What a Text Message Is

A Text Message is one or more sentences meant to be read from beginning to end, like a small email or hand written note.  If you can understand this, then you won't shake your head and rock the phone in your hand thinking, "What!?!  What!?! What are all these Words I'm being sent?!?".  It is also helps  you resist the urge to call the texter and ask what's happening, which makes you look kind of silly.

One Or More Pictures Douche

Don't include an image in your email signature.  As much as you might think it makes your emails look special, when anyone replies or forwards your message they will be confronted with a message which states "One or more pictures in this email cannot be sent".  This makes you a "One Or More Pictures Douche".

Intelligence Limit Exceeded

Sometimes I'm typing a paragraph in an email to someone, explaining why something happened or what should be done, and I get about 100 words into it when a little bell goes off inside my head, a tiny little "Ding" like what used to happen on a typewriter when you were within a few characters of the right side of the paper.  This "Ding" is from the Human Empathy section of my brain, letting me know that I have just exceeded the intelligence level of the person I'm writing to, and I pause for a moment, realizing this, and hit CTRL-A then something like "k" or "ty" and click Send.

 

 

To the Tune of Ebony and Ivory

"Dirty Knees .. and Ovaries,

Live together in my archdiocese,

I'm a whore but I get my pills for free so,

Why not ev-ry-body?"

God's Plan and the K.G.B.

What does God's plan for you have to do with the KGB?

 

You are an Agent of the Lord here on Earth.  You are here to to glorify him, and to carry out his plan on Earth.

 

Consider the K.G.B. ... to compare or contrast ...

 

The KGB agent is in America to carry out the plan of the Kremlin.  He lives his life, gets a job, takes a wife, has children, joins the moose lodge, enjoys himself when he can, checks in regularly, reports anything of note, and on occasion may request help if it is needed and available.

 

Unlike many of God's agents here on Earth, the KGB agent in America does not question the plan.  He does not wring his hands in worry, and cry out "But then what?  But then what? What's the goal? What's gonna happen? Why am I here?".  He just lives his life, awaiting instructions, and until then, simply follows the book.

Non English Speaking Telephone Reps

If you have a call center when you have non-english speaking telephone reps, you should make them take 5 minutes a day to practice not saying "herrrrm" between rambling  fragments of your question when trying to answer a question in which they do not know the answer.  Just say "I don't know."

 

Q. "Can I book a reservation to ship my dog in air cargo at the same time I purchase my tickets?"

 

A. "Hermmm Can you book..Hermmm...ship dog... Hermmmm.... cargo time?.....  Book the ticket ... Hermmm."

 

 

Employers have an advantage these days

Back when I was an employer (back when I had a thriving business) we used to have a problem.  People would polish their resume's, dress up, and act as professional as they could to get hired.  Then, after a few months their true selves would come out and sometimes that was okay and sometimes it was a problem and they would have to be managed but you couldn't fire them because their true-selves were becoming litigious protected classes that you couldn't let go for showing up to work in a tutu.

 

But now, they are proudly putting these things on their resumes:

 

    Religion: Wicca

    Gender: Cisgender Man

    Race: Self-identified Niburi

    Major: Ethnic Trans-Degenerate Social Agitation Poetry

 

At least for the time being, you can't get into trouble for not hiring someone in the first place.