What a Text Message Is

A Text Message is one or more sentences meant to be read from beginning to end, like a small email or hand written note.  If you can understand this, then you won't shake your head and rock the phone in your hand thinking, "What!?!  What!?! What are all these Words I'm being sent?!?".  It is also helps  you resist the urge to call the texter and ask what's happening, which makes you look kind of silly.

One Or More Pictures Douche

Don't include an image in your email signature.  As much as you might think it makes your emails look special, when anyone replies or forwards your message they will be confronted with a message which states "One or more pictures in this email cannot be sent".  This makes you a "One Or More Pictures Douche".

Intelligence Limit Exceeded

Sometimes I'm typing a paragraph in an email to someone, explaining why something happened or what should be done, and I get about 100 words into it when a little bell goes off inside my head, a tiny little "Ding" like what used to happen on a typewriter when you were within a few characters of the right side of the paper.  This "Ding" is from the Human Empathy section of my brain, letting me know that I have just exceeded the intelligence level of the person I'm writing to, and I pause for a moment, realizing this, and hit CTRL-A then something like "k" or "ty" and click Send.

 

 

To the Tune of Ebony and Ivory

"Dirty Knees .. and Ovaries,

Live together in my archdiocese,

I'm a whore but I get my pills for free so,

Why not ev-ry-body?"

God's Plan and the K.G.B.

What does God's plan for you have to do with the KGB?

 

You are an Agent of the Lord here on Earth.  You are here to to glorify him, and to carry out his plan on Earth.

 

Consider the K.G.B. ... to compare or contrast ...

 

The KGB agent is in America to carry out the plan of the Kremlin.  He lives his life, gets a job, takes a wife, has children, joins the moose lodge, enjoys himself when he can, checks in regularly, reports anything of note, and on occasion may request help if it is needed and available.

 

Unlike many of God's agents here on Earth, the KGB agent in America does not question the plan.  He does not wring his hands in worry, and cry out "But then what?  But then what? What's the goal? What's gonna happen? Why am I here?".  He just lives his life, awaiting instructions, and until then, simply follows the book.

Non English Speaking Telephone Reps

If you have a call center when you have non-english speaking telephone reps, you should make them take 5 minutes a day to practice not saying "herrrrm" between rambling  fragments of your question when trying to answer a question in which they do not know the answer.  Just say "I don't know."

 

Q. "Can I book a reservation to ship my dog in air cargo at the same time I purchase my tickets?"

 

A. "Hermmm Can you book..Hermmm...ship dog... Hermmmm.... cargo time?.....  Book the ticket ... Hermmm."

 

 

Employers have an advantage these days

Back when I was an employer (back when I had a thriving business) we used to have a problem.  People would polish their resume's, dress up, and act as professional as they could to get hired.  Then, after a few months their true selves would come out and sometimes that was okay and sometimes it was a problem and they would have to be managed but you couldn't fire them because their true-selves were becoming litigious protected classes that you couldn't let go for showing up to work in a tutu.

 

But now, they are proudly putting these things on their resumes:

 

    Religion: Wicca

    Gender: Cisgender Man

    Race: Self-identified Niburi

    Major: Ethnic Trans-Degenerate Social Agitation Poetry

 

At least for the time being, you can't get into trouble for not hiring someone in the first place.

 

 

Psycho in the Life Boat

How long should you put up with a dangerously psychotic person in a lifeboat before that person gets thrown overboard?

Square

In the 1800's, being "A Square" mean't that you are okay.  People who were "Not Square" needed to be killed.

Being Stupid

Unless you are really pretty, there's nothing funny about being stupid

Digital Age

I was draining the battery on my android (now that's something I never expected to be articulating in all earnestness) when I had a thought:

 

In this digital age, a dying flashlight (and the way you can smack it a few times to keep it alive for a few extra minutes) is as alien to young people as a dwindling torch would have been to our generation.

Trust Technology, not Science

Technology is the practical application of proven science. Any science that
cannot be demonstrated by technology could very easily be Bulls—t,
especially when the people promoting it have something to gain.

For instance, I could tell you that there is a radiation of electromagnetic
signals travelling through the atmosphere and space which contains millions
of simultaneous real-time conversations between people all over the planet.
You know that this is true because you are probably holding it in your hand
right now, but if it wasn't possible for you to see a practical application
of this claim you would probably not believe it. I could also tell you that
telepathy is real. I could show you the results of Scientific experiments
that prove it's real. I could tell you stories about how Scientists used
telepathy in different ways. I could even tell you that I am a Scientist and
that have telepathic powers and that I can read your mind. However, since
there is no actual way to apply the "Science" of Telepathy to technology --
that is a strong indicator that Telepathy is Bulls--t.

This is what I mean when I say Trust Technology, not Science. Science is
not a thing that you trust. Science is the pursuit of knowledge who's end
product is technology and along the way Science gets much more wrong that it
does right. Science is a rat in a maze who makes 57 wrong turns before
finding cheese. The actions of the Rat in the Maze are not something that
you "Trust".

Trust the Cheese.

Businesses should avoid "Classic" pop music

I was put on hold and made to listen to a "Classic" pop song (Yellow Brick Road by Elton John) for about 10 minutes during which my mood deteriorated leaving me sullen, depressed and riddled with anxiety.  Why? I have no idea.  I haven't heard that song in decades but it made me feel absolutely awful.

 

Imagine it's 1985 and your business is playing 40's music.  Imagine all of the shell-shocked WWII veterans that might be calling in and having to hear "Bugle Boy from Company B" or Benny Goodman.  And by the time a person comes on the line you've got a real mess on your hands.

 

Classic pop music is hanging on much longer than is natural for some reason.  I have no idea why some 70's music triggers PTSD in me but if I ever hear anyone using it for hold music again I'm just gonna hang up.